Story 203

I am sharing this anonymously because, even now, speaking openly still feels risky.

Early in my career, when I was junior and still finding my footing, I became involved with a much more senior colleague—a Managing Director in the Commercial Bank. At the time, I wasn’t even at AVP level. Looking back, the power imbalance was extreme, but I didn’t fully understand that then.

What started as casual drinks and “mentorship” quickly turned into something more. He created the impression that he was helping me professionally—giving advice, opening doors, advocating for me. In reality, it blurred boundaries in a way that made my personal and professional life completely entangled with him.

Over time, it became clear that this dynamic wasn’t about supporting my career. It was about control.

He would position my success as something tied to him. There was an unspoken message: my value at work was connected to the relationship. Colleagues began to notice favoritism, which only reinforced the situation and made it harder to separate myself from it without consequences.

I later found out I was not the only one. There were other women, similar patterns, similar outcomes. In at least one other case I’m aware of, things also ended badly.

The relationship lasted years. Years of anxiety, secrecy, and constantly managing his expectations and reactions. He struggled with alcohol, and his behavior could be volatile. I stayed far longer than I should have, partly because I felt trapped—professionally and emotionally.

When I eventually tried to move on and started seeing someone else, his reaction escalated dramatically. He sent aggressive and deeply inappropriate messages—not just to me, but to people in my personal and professional circles. Screenshots, accusations, attempts to control the narrative.

Almost overnight, colleagues I had worked with for years stopped speaking to me. People who had known him much longer closed ranks around him. It was isolating in a way I had never experienced before.

At one point, the situation became physical – violent. That was the moment I realized how far things had gone.

I considered going to HR, but like many others have shared, I didn’t trust that the system would protect me—especially given his seniority and long-standing relationships within the organization (a threat he also used oftenly). So I endured it and focused on getting out.

In total, this experience impacted roughly five years of my life—personally and professionally. It affected my confidence, my sense of self-worth, and my trust in the workplace.

What is hardest to process is that, externally, he is still seen as a “good guy”—well-liked, well-connected, successful. That contrast between perception and reality is something I struggled with for a long time.

I am sharing this because these dynamics don’t only exist in the most visible parts of banking. They exist in smaller divisions, in quieter corners, where oversight is weaker and reputations shield behavior.

And in this case, it wasn’t a one-off. It was a pattern that had been going on for years.

If you are in a similar situation: the confusion, the pressure, the feeling that your career is tied to someone else’s approval—that is not mentorship. That is not support. And it is not your fault.