Story 206

To the person who posted in story 203, thank you for sharing your story.

For years, having been in a similar situation, I felt it was my fault for allowing this abuse to happen. But I can see clearly now. This is how we’ve been manipulated to feel.

Grooming does not start with the ask. It starts with access, attention, and trust. It looks like mentorship. It feels like support. It is built slowly through late night calls, personal advice, special treatment, and creating a sense that you are chosen. Over time, boundaries are blurred so that when the line is crossed, it is confusing and hard to name.

You were young, ambitious, and trying to find your way. I was the same.

They make you feel your work is extraordinary and as a special talent they will lobby for you. It can happen to anyone. Looking back, I find myself asking how did I not see the signs. But that is part of how this works.

I was groomed by a Managing Director at Citi who asked me for a sexual act and then fired me when I did not comply. Letting me go was elegantly disguised as cost cutting, job elimination, and redundancy.

What comes to mind is that before he explicitly asked me for a sexual act, which I refused, he would often invite me to his posh apartment in midtown in the middle of the day to discuss something urgent and then offer me a whisky, which I always, refused. He would call me after hours and ask me to come to the office to work. I always complied. I was hungry and wanted to be promoted. I wanted to demonstrate my value and commitment. However, looking back, he had other motives. He gave me advice about my career, my friends, and wanted me to mentor other women. Lobbied for me.

That is how grooming works. It builds familiarity and dependence before anything explicit happens.

I never said anything. I was scared. I am still scared to even discuss it with anyone who knows him, because he is well liked, respected, and still in a position of power. A few years later, I mentioned his name to a woman I mentored that he introduced me. She cried and said don’t mention his name. I wonder how many women he groomed and kept tied to him.

What you described is real. The confusion, the pressure, the entanglement, the feeling that you have a champion, who wants the best for you. That is not mentorship. That is grooming and abuse of power.

But in closing, I ask how can people go to HR and discuss this kind of grooming? I have never seen any training or policies that describe this subtle form of abuse of power. Maybe HR should create more awareness in situations like this as a second line of defense, and in each business or function assign a person of trust who is trained to discuss these types of subtle abuse. It’s nuanced. It’s subtle and insidious.

Just like there is AI and information security training, perhaps there needs to be more policies, education, and networks of trust established that promote awareness of the subtleties of these dynamics. Perhaps, a remodeling of follow-up on the abuses reported via the hotlines. All these practices need to be evaluated.

I applaud all the women who stood up and filed lawsuits. I was a coward. I feared for my life and ability to ever work again, and my reputation.

I applaud the women who created this site. Thank you.